I Accidentally Watched the Weirdest Christmas Movie Ever: ELVES (1989)
I sat down looking for something cozy.
You know the kind — snow, vibes, maybe a harmless evil toy or two.
Instead, I watched ELVES (1989), a Christmas horror movie that calmly asks:
“What if Nazis tried to breed elves… and only Santa could stop them?”
That sentence alone should be enough.
And yet, here we are.
Wait — What Is ELVES (1989)?
Released in the tail end of the VHS era, ELVES (1989) is a low-budget Christmas horror film that feels less like a movie and more like something you discover at 2 a.m. while flipping channels and questioning reality.
The basic setup (and I use the word “basic” loosely):
A young woman discovers she’s part of a Nazi breeding experiment involving elves, gets trapped in a department store on Christmas Eve, and becomes the focal point of a prophecy that may or may not already be completed by the time the credits roll.
Also, Santa is there.
He smokes constantly.
And he’s played by Dan Haggerty, aka Grizzly Adams.
None of this is a joke.
A Quick Christmas Reality Check
Before we even get into the movie, the episode opens with three holiday facts that already feel ominous enough:
Mistletoe is literally a parasite, which explains a lot about how Christmas starts.
Christmas was once outlawed in Massachusetts, which tracks if you’ve ever spent any time in Massachusetts.
“Jingle Bells” was written for Thanksgiving, and was allegedly the first song played in space — meaning astronauts heard that before they saw Earth from orbit.
This is the mental state you need to be in before pressing play on ELVES.
The Movie of the Week That Shouldn’t Exist
A lot of Christmas horror movies save their weirdness for the third act.
ELVES opens the door already sprinting.
There is:
Only one elf, and it looks less festive woodland helper and more goblin you’d find under a bridge.
It kills using a tiny steak knife, which somehow makes it both sillier and more upsetting.
Characters can’t decide if it’s an elf, a troll, or a nightmare, until they finally land on “elf” and just… accept that.
The vibes are immediately off.
Dan Haggerty: Acting Through the Madness
This movie stars Dan Haggerty as Santa Claus, and the wildest part is that he’s good in it.
Haggerty was famous for playing rugged, outdoorsy heroes like Grizzly Adams — a kind of TV-era mountain man. Here, he plays a chain-smoking, ex-detective Santa who researches elf lore like he’s unraveling a noir conspiracy.
Why did he do this movie?
Speculation only, but:
He made five movies in 1989, which is a heavy year for anyone.
Acting is a job, and sometimes the job is… ELVES.
And to his credit, he carries this movie as hard as humanly possible.
Santa smokes in nearly every scene, which somehow becomes the most believable part of the movie.
The Movie Gets Dark. Then Darker. Then “Oh No.”
At first, the movie just feels weird in a harmless B-movie way.
Then:
The mom casually kills her daughter’s cat.
The little brother swears constantly while explaining his love of breasts, wearing TMNT pajamas — a perfect snapshot of unsupervised 80s television childhood.
The grandfather conveniently knows everything about elves, Nazi cults, and secret histories, which feels suspicious even before the movie confirms it is.
And then the bomb drops.
The grandfather is also the girl’s actual father, thanks to Nazi-incest cult logic designed to attract the elf for breeding purposes.
This is the point where the movie crosses from “bad” into genuinely disturbing.
Santa, Scholars, and the Most Awkward Christmas Dinner
One of the strangest scenes involves Santa tracking down an elf mythology expert — a professor who cheerfully explains horrific elf lore at Christmas dinner, directly in front of his young children.
The movie treats this as normal.
As a viewer, you’re left wondering if this man has permanently traumatized his family in the name of exposition.
That Ending Though…
By the time the credits roll, you realize something uncomfortable:
The heroine doesn’t stop the prophecy.
She completes it.
The supposed instructions to destroy the elf appear to be misinformation, and the final images suggest the human/elf hybrid embryo exists after all.
Santa’s storyline just… stops.
We end on a snowy field, the siblings alive, and the implication that evil has won.
Merry Christmas?
So… Should You Watch ELVES (1989)?
This is firmly a Binge Never movie — with one caveat.
You should see it once.
Not because it’s good.
Not because it’s fun.
But because it exists, and knowing that it exists changes how you understand Christmas movies forever.
Dan Haggerty gives it everything he’s got. The movie gives him nothing in return.
Listener Shoutouts & Staff Picks
Listeners chimed in on a previous episode discussing video game movies:
Chad Farthouse loved that the SNES Spider-Man game was the first to feature Venom.
GordonBranam299 defended ClayFighter and correctly remembered Sega’s involvement.
Staff Picks this week:
Gentlemen Broncos
Margin Call
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
Currently bouncing around Prime, with genuine excitement that Hulu finally added dubbed Dragon Ball episodes like the universe healed itself slightly.
Final Thoughts
ELVES (1989) feels like evidence that Christmas movies used to be created without adult supervision.
It’s uncomfortable, nonsensical, occasionally funny, often upsetting, and somehow part of seasonal cinema history.
And if nothing else, you’ll never look at Santa the same way again.
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